Date archive: January 2012

A model? A model what?

I have to laugh when I think about pursuing a career in modeling. Only stuck up, self centered, rail thin, statuesque, 17 year-olds aspire to model, right? Well, yes and no. There is a whole world of people of different shapes and sizes and somewhere, in some publication, they need to represented. And I’ve discovered that an interesting look actually translates better on film than just pure beauty does. Another thing I’ve discovered is that modeling REALLY stretches me as an actor. It’s hard enough to capture a character and emotion when filming or on stage, but take away the tools of speech and movement and a model has a 10 times more difficult job. An entire story has to be captured in one still frame. Everything has to come together; the emotion, the scene, the lighting, the conflict/story line, and the model has to use every inch of her body and environment to stay in character. Nothing can look forced or posed. It’s really a waaaaay harder job than people give credit for. I’m happy to be pursuing this modeling thing. It makes me a better artist and I feel like I can be a positive role model to other middle-aged women.

I Don’t Wanna be God

Questions linger.

Why did he lose his job again? They’re all strong in their faith and have been shining examples of what Christians should be. What purpose can this be serving in his family’s life?

Why did she die? She was too young and had so much life in front of her. Her family certainly prayed hard enough. Why didn’t God heal her?

Why did they get divorced? They were a perfect couple. How can this be what God wanted for them?

Pondering these (real) situations today makes me question God’s motives as I’m sure (if you’re honest) you do too. How can a good and loving God allow us to go through this garbage? Doesn’t our faithfulness to him count for just a little bit of favor? So many questions….

Earlier this week I posted a Bible verse on my facebook page: “[Trials and Temptations] Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” (James 1:2-3 NIV).

Perseverance? Perseverance for what? More trials? It seems like a vicious circle.

But when I quit complaining and airing out my questions and anguish to no one in particular and really dig into that verse and have a conversation with the Lord, I discover something. I discover that God, MY God, the father of our dear savior Jesus Christ, has something for me. He’s got all the answers to all my questions!! But he tells me that if I want to make the tough decisions and have my heart wrenched open 100% of the time, then I could do his job and have the answers too.

His job seems a bit tough to fathom, though. Watching people destroy each other spiritually, emotionally, and physically? Watching people destroy the environment and themselves? Watching a mother grieve a murdered child? Watching a father commit suicide because he feels inadequate for not having employment to support his family? Watching a child suffer abuse and become hardened to love? All these and so much more? And not just singular isolated cases, watching ALL people suffering these things simultaneously all day every day – – 24 hours a day? And not just watching all these things but knowing WHY they are occurring in the first place and having to chose how to interact and discipline and comfort? WHAT??!!!

Um, no thanks! I have a hard enough time dealing with the few trials that come my way along with those of the people I love. If knowing all the answers comes with knowing (and feeling) all the pain and making choices that I know will cause more pain but it’s the right thing to do, then I think I’ll just shut up, and consider it pure joy when I do suffer trials. Those trials produce in me the perseverance to get through this life and make it to the glorious home that awaits me in heaven. It also provides me the strength, wisdom, and empathy to encourage others on the same journey. Our faith WILL be rewarded – we just have to TRUST that God knows the answers and knows why he’s shaping us in this way. And knowing I have a loving father who cares enough about me to NOT tell me all the painful answers – to just embrace me in his arms and quiet my soul – gives me the courage to press on.